Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Oh my god

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.