Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

I feel seen.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Now, where’s the sport in that?

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Steam Forums

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.