if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
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[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
