Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

is it too early for christmas memes

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.