If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Florida be like…
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*