If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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seriously you guys
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second