Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

[montage of me giving-up]

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Howl 😭

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.