If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Need this in my life lol
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!