Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

This is a bad sign

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess