Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.