If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
#SaturdayBears
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”