If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Happy Taco Tuesday
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
