If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I need to get some bricks…
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“what that mouth do?” complain
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
