If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
IT’S-A ME,
Meanwhile in Portland…
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
