If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
tag yourself
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
