If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me hitting on a model
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is