If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!