If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
You Might Also Like
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Tapped in
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…