If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.