If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
The morning after pill, but for tweets
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS