This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Traveler’s camo
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.