If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Oh boy, $150,000!
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale