If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Well, this explains it:
