If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Its true…
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…