If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini