if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Why you watching this shit?”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees