if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
my friends when i can’t do basic math
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
when you are just born a rebel
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
