Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.