Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys