If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
i was dropped as an adult
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!