If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.