If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Erm…
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8