If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.