If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms