If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.