Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison