if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Kids, do not try this at home!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.