If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Body by cheese-puffs.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
This is my cat’s medicine.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.