Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

How your email finds me

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Never forget.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.