Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

yeet

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.