If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
necessity is the mother of invention
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”