If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Care for your back
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me when I try to be useful
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.