If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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We don’t deserve birds.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
This dude got his own movie?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
excuse me
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!