If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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