If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
yes… yes…
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank