If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look