If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I don’t know what to do
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper