If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
not for long
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
How it started How it’s going
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.