If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
🙄😏😂🤣
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Nose
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order