If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
![]()
You Might Also Like
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway