if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
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X-tra spooky blend
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Very good news from my accountant
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho