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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”