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“A little help here, Danny?”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers