if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
After 35, your body ages in dog years
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue