Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

⚰

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise