if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.