if i text you āš¤©ā it means i have a starfish over each eye
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(walks into coworkerās office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If your girlfriend says sheās going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mallā¦
You might be dating my wife.
I donāt think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Please donāt forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when sheās going to start having babies.
Apparently Mr. Neesonās āparticular set of skillsā is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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Vader: Iāll teach you the Death Starās power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I put the I in Insufferable.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests š
[FBI job interview]
āDo you have any self defense training?ā*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes Iām skilled at fencing.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Wanna know what itās like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Honest job interview:
āWhat are your strengths?ā
āI put a lot of effort into looking like I know what Iām doingā
I shouldāve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops canāt do shit itās a real problem
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My kid: IāM NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think Iām not a real superhero. Iām tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i donāt have any money
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Robber: Iāll harm you if you donāt answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Whereās the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Whereās the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
āHow much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?ā
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. Youāre not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Did you just pronounce āetc.ā as āeg-sed-raā, sir?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriendsā house, her dad wouldnāt let us sleep together.
Shame, heās very attractive.
Rooting for the overdog
Doctors say āinternal bleedingā like itās a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.