if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Flowers bee like
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi