Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

this post was so formative to me

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

that lip filler tho

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what