Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

can’t believe I got front row seats

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

When ur friends with white people

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now