Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it