if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…