Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!