If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Not all heroes wear capes….
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Unmatched
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe