If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The French cow says MEUX…
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry