Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?