If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
m’lady
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
No regrets in 2018
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?