Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Just a reminder, folks:

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.