If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
New comic up. “Ransom”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.