If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
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[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.