Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run