If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Called it
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Möther may I have a snäck
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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