If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.