If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”