If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?


Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.


Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”


My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.


I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.


When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?


I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”


Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.


Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.