Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Catercrombie & Fish

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I love art.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.